Memories of 2023 that I want to take note of...
intro !! hi, since i made this neocities site before the end of december, i wasn't able to properly
document my memories and didn't find it important to make a december category in my diary since it's about to end anyways. well, i still do have some things that i want to remember and i'll just put them down here i guess...
also everything is just disorganized so i'm sorry but ehe :'D 
aa during that a family/serious talk w/ my step-dad he mentioned about me having such a good
track record @ school back then ;u; which all got wasted when my mom let me drop out so i can keep being the breadwinner. i haven't seen him in like 2-3 years so hearing those from him almost got me having
goosebumps. i've always been doubting myself because i was unable to finish what i've started (dropped out, and awol from work during covid bc of fear and other reasons) so i've just been a neet. he also mentioned that while we're (me & my sis) are still young, it's not too late for us yet. he shared his experiences.. he mentioned his siblings didn't even finish highschool back then and they regret it now because it's been so hard. when covid happened his sister abroad lost her job and up until now, still jobless. his brother can barely pay the bills and they had to stop using the fridge to save on electricity, and there were a lot of times recently when they're unable to buy proper food. with those things... i am reminded that i'm not always going to be young and able to do lots of things. even though i barely have any will to live, i really should start now because one day when i'm older i might really really regret it.
when i heard those, i felt motivated :D but as always.. it goes away eventually. i wish it didn't.. now that i'm writing down memories (at january 1st, 11:37pm), i don't feel so motivated. i know i should try anyways, no matter what. whether it be freelancing or one of those call center jobs ;u; because if i can make at least .. let's say- 400 usd per month, that's always better than nothing at all.
quick side-track vent: since i was the breadwinner back then, i barely was able to enjoy the money i made, i think it's also one reason why i'm so lazy because i feel like i won't really be able to enjoy they money i earned, and won't be able to save up either. but !!! things are much better now! my mom no longer relies on me for bills/food, i should probably be able to save if i start working now! haha
and yeah i do plan to send my sister to school soon. i hope that when i look back on this that i will be able to get some courage or motivation to keep it up
